My Diaper is Not Sexy, but I Still Am

In episode 14 of DISIRabilityALT, I start off by talking openly about my feelings around being a disabled woman who has to wear adult diapers due to neurogenic bladder and bowel. Then we will focus on the topic of disability fetishes, devoteeism and disability. I will share my thoughts and feelings on fetishes and devotees and hope you will share your thoughts about them with me.

At the end of every episode, I will be asking a question for you to consider. Today’s question is: How do you feel about disability fetishes? Have you come across people with this fetish or have you come across devotees? Are you comfortable with being around people who have this particular fetish? Please share in the comments section below.

Episode Cover Description [DISIRability logo in green with a wheelchair symbol in place of the letter b. “ALT” written in black underneath. In a light orange background, there is the following text in white letters “My Diaper is Not Sexy, but I Still Am” Underneath is a photo of a pink pair of panties next to a diaper in a dark blue background. Underneath is the text “with angela car (she/her) 18+.]

Full transcription of each episode is also available.

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A letter to myself as a little girl

(Trigger Warning: child abuse)




This is often an assignment for those of us in therapy or in 12-step programs. I was given this assignment from my Sir and I am grateful for it. Here is my letter to the little girl inside of me.

You will be okay. You will get through this. It will leave its scars, but you will get through. I know you sit and watch the clock ticking every minute when it is just about 1:00am and you pray for daylight. Get some sleep. Daytime will come and then you can escape to school.  “C” (Your Caretaker) is strong enough for the both of you. They will be okay too.

I know that you strive to be the best you can because you do not think you are worthy of love otherwise. You need to stop. You need to take care of yourself. You need to learn that sometimes you will fail and that is okay too. Failing at something does not mean that you are a failure. Do not believe things that “A” (Your Abuser) tries to put in your head.

There are people out there who will try to make you as miserable as they are. Do not go down to their level. “A” (Your Abuser) in one of them. I know part of why you work so hard is so that you do not become like them. You never will. No matter what life throws at you, you will remain the kind, decent, smiling girl you are now.

I know you have difficulty making friends. This will change one day. You may not believe it now, but one day you will meet a partner who will help you grow, will love you unconditionally, and will keep you safe. He will help you to come out of your shell, and help you make friends. Those friends will become your chosen family.

I wish I could tell you not to be scared, but the truth is, the world is a scary place. You, the scared little girl, will always be with me. I have come to accept that. Most of the time, it is a good thing. You make me think things through. You keep me from doing careless, dangerous things. I wish you could be free of the fear and be free to have fun and enjoy being a little girl.

Since you couldn’t, I will honor you now as I am grown. I will continue to care for you, by continuing to learn, to grow and to have fun in the rest of my life.