Kinky and Bored?

So all major sporting events are being cancelled. Many smaller business/vendors are closing in some areas. If you live in one of these areas, what should you do?

Many are looking for stress relief and are feeling bored isolated at home.

Many are already posting about the potential baby boom we may see, as we are secluding ourselves at home.

At the moment, kink events and munches are also being cancelled. I typically endorse sex positivity (while being safe, of course), and alternative relationship, aka consensual non-monogamy, BDSM play, etc.

Is it safe right now to engage in these activities? At a time where we are avoiding hand-shaking? Sex and any BDSM play includes close contact. Most of the time, that’s what we are craving. So if you participate it in right now, I don’t judge you, but if you are looking for some safer alternatives, I provided a list. What other alternatives can you think of?

1. Masturbate.
2. Sex or BDSM play only with primary partner(s) you live with, for the time being.
3. Journaling, write down those sexy fantasies.
4. Organize your toys.
5. Sexting.
6. Take time for negotiating scenes you want to have in the future by phone, Skype or Facetime.
7. Watch or read erotica.
8. Take up a new hobby. Put that energy into something else.
9. Interested in providing service? Learn a new skill. Create a service resume.
10. In an authority-based relationship? Create your household manual or contract.
11. Have a household manual? Review and revise it. My Sir and I will be working on ours this week.
12. New to Kink? Write out your hard and soft limits. Everyone has them.

Whatever you do, stay safe and wash your hands!

On Carpets and Submission

(Note: I came across this old writing today while I was writing in my journal. My Sir and I are currently living together and our relationship has evolved from D/s to M/s over the past four years. This post was written in April 2016 in the beginning of our D/s journey.)

I need to replace the carpet in my living room. I need to decide between laminate flooring and carpet. I can’t afford hard wood floors. I do some research online. I go to the store in person and I make my decision…Laminate. I go home. I can’t sleep. I worry that I can’t afford it. Thoughts running through my mind…What if something major happens with the house? What if the cats ruin the floor? What if? What if?

I wake up determined the next day to get carpet. Back to the store I go. I pick out the carpet. Back home. I still can’t sleep. I am still not satisfied and I’m filled with anxiety. Did I do the right thing? I am wishing I didn’t have to decide.

I see my Sir that night and tell him about my last two days. After a brief discussion, he tells me…” Go with the laminate.” Suddenly, there is a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I go home and I can finally get some sleep.

When I first joined the BDSM lifestyle, I honestly wasn’t looking for anything more than play and kinky sex. I learned quickly that I enjoy submitting physically. I have told my Sir that I need to take things slow when it comes to D/s outside of the bedroom. However, I am now learning the attraction of being fully submissive in every day, practical matters as well.

I like to say that I am a strong, independent woman capable of making such household decisions as whether to get carpet or laminate flooring. On the other hand, it is even better that I don’t have to. It is so nice to be able to let go and trust someone else enough to hand over the decision-making. The peace and serenity that comes over me is incredibly powerful.

It makes me realize that I don’t always have to be the strong one. Maybe letting go and handing over the decision-making to someone I love and trust is the strongest thing that I can do for myself.

What did I find in a BDSM Dungeon? Acceptance

What do you think of when you think of a BDSM dungeon? What do you think of when you think of a Master/slave relationship?

Most people think of these places and these relationships in a negative light. There must be something wrong with the people who go there. Why else would they subject themselves to that? Right?

Wrong! Let me share my experience with you.

I have Spina Bifida. I am used to people telling me that I am so cute, so inspiring..blah, blah, blah.
Before joining the lifestyle, I felt like a child. I never felt like an adult, let alone, a sexual adult.

My husband would tell me that I was beautiful and sexy. The problem was that I never felt that way about myself. I let too much of the vanilla world tell me how I was versus how I should be. (Vanilla refers to those not into kink or bdsm.) I looked too young, too short, too overweight. I was “too handicapped and too helpless”. I joined the kink community over 7 years ago with my late husband. I came in because I was bisexual and I was looking for other poly folks. However, after going to events like munches and play parties, I became more and more curious about BDSM. BDSM can be used for multiple dynamics described here; BD: Bondage and Discipline, D/s: Dominance and submission, S/m: Sado-masochism.

In my experience over the past 7 years, the kink world has not been judgemental like the vanilla world. Everyone is welcome there. Men, women, gender-fluid, white, black, short, tall, skinny, overweight. It is the most accepting group of people I have ever known.

Coming into the lifestyle, I was very shy and socially awkward. People here were different than in the vanilla world as they approached me, took an interest in getting to know me, and answered my questions regarding bdsm and kink. I made friends who gradually grew into chosen family. I learned early on that I was submissive in the bedroom. I tried switching for a while and found that wasn’t for me.

In the lifestyle, I am no longer odd. I am not judged for being there. I found a place where I fit in. I found a place I can be free to let my hair down, take my clothes off and just be me. I can trust and I can be vulnerable. I can feel pain yet I know I am safe. I can scream and let go of all the pain I’ve been holding in. Pain is pleasure and pain is freeing

I never saw myself as a 24/7 slave. Then I became a submissive to a Dominant I knew and trusted.  He saw the potential in me. He noticed that I had slave-like tendencies before I ever did. We slowly developed into a 24/7 Master/slave couple over the past four years. We don’t personally use the terms Master/slave. We prefer the terms Sir and girl, but we have a total power exchange Master/slave relationship nonetheless.

Who knew this shy little girl would one day be exhibitionist, a masochist, a slave? The girl who has trouble making small talk and making friends, can suddenly be naked in front of a room full of people. I can be flogged or I can be lit on fire. I find myself. I can accept myself. I feel sexy for the first time in my life.  I learned that is exactly who I am and where I want to be.

We have learned about these power exchange relationships through our kink, leather communities, local MAsT chapters and M/s conferences. As an M/s couple, we take the time to learn, negotiate and discuss our relationship much more than I ever have in a vanilla relationship. Today, we also help teach newer community members.

I have a physical disability so our M/s dynamic looks a little different than others. We have our own rituals and protocols. I am not able to kneel, but I can sit next to him and unlace his boots when he comes home at the end of the day. I still provide daily service and He is head of our household.

Sir and I have given presentations on Disability, Kink and Power Exchange in our local community and we are open to future conversations on disability and other topics related to M/s.

I have held off about talking about kink and power exchange publicly, mostly out of fear of judgement. Interestingly, I have met many other people with disabilities in the kink lifestyle. I have also met people at my vanilla presentations who had questions about kink, so I know I am not the only person with a disability interested in it.

Today I am living my truth and have decided to add my lived experience of kink and power exchange to my DISIRability presentations and blogs. I have learned a lot in the last few years and I am sharing my experiences openly in an effort to help others who may be considering a similar path.

My professional background

I am Angela Car, a sexual health educator and advocate for people with disabilities. I am 44 years old and I was born with Spina Bifida. I have a M.A. degree in Criminal Justice and a B.A. degree in Psychology.

In graduate school, I became interested in working with people with disabilities who were either victims of crimes or alleged offenders. I worked as a graduate assistant doing research and I found there was a huge need to support people with disabilities involved in the criminal justice system.

Although there was a huge need, I could not find full time employment specifically in criminal justice and disability. So over the past 15 years I gained experience in a few different areas; from providing substance abuse prevention education for people with disabilities, advocating for access to housing and education, to counseling incarcerated women with mental health issues and addictions.

I became a Pure Romance consultant and received additional training in sex education. I realized that while I am not a great salesperson, I have a passion for educating people. So I no longer sell products. I am grateful for my experience as a Pure Romance consultant because it reminded me of what I am passionate about and gave me confidence to go after my goals.

My focus now is on education, advocacy and sharing my story to help other people. I created #DISIRability to start this important discussion of sexual health and sex positivity for people with disabilities. As people with disabilities, we have the same basic needs as everyone else. We desire intimacy and connection. We are desirable.

I have now been providing sexual health education and sharing my personal story for the past two years at local disability agencies and sexual health forums online and in person. I hope you will take the time to read my blogs. Most of them are about sexual health and disabilities. Others are on different topics I share about my life, such as family relationships and addictions. I look forward to connecting with you.