What did I find in a BDSM Dungeon? Acceptance

What do you think of when you think of a BDSM dungeon? What do you think of when you think of a Master/slave relationship?

Most people think of these places and these relationships in a negative light. There must be something wrong with the people who go there. Why else would they subject themselves to that? Right?

Wrong! Let me share my experience with you.

I have Spina Bifida. I am used to people telling me that I am so cute, so inspiring..blah, blah, blah.
Before joining the lifestyle, I felt like a child. I never felt like an adult, let alone, a sexual adult.

My husband would tell me that I was beautiful and sexy. The problem was that I never felt that way about myself. I let too much of the vanilla world tell me how I was versus how I should be. (Vanilla refers to those not into kink or bdsm.) I looked too young, too short, too overweight. I was “too handicapped and too helpless”. I joined the kink community over 7 years ago with my late husband. I came in because I was bisexual and I was looking for other poly folks. However, after going to events like munches and play parties, I became more and more curious about BDSM. BDSM can be used for multiple dynamics described here; BD: Bondage and Discipline, D/s: Dominance and submission, S/m: Sado-masochism.

In my experience over the past 7 years, the kink world has not been judgemental like the vanilla world. Everyone is welcome there. Men, women, gender-fluid, white, black, short, tall, skinny, overweight. It is the most accepting group of people I have ever known.

Coming into the lifestyle, I was very shy and socially awkward. People here were different than in the vanilla world as they approached me, took an interest in getting to know me, and answered my questions regarding bdsm and kink. I made friends who gradually grew into chosen family. I learned early on that I was submissive in the bedroom. I tried switching for a while and found that wasn’t for me.

In the lifestyle, I am no longer odd. I am not judged for being there. I found a place where I fit in. I found a place I can be free to let my hair down, take my clothes off and just be me. I can trust and I can be vulnerable. I can feel pain yet I know I am safe. I can scream and let go of all the pain I’ve been holding in. Pain is pleasure and pain is freeing

I never saw myself as a 24/7 slave. Then I became a submissive to a Dominant I knew and trusted.  He saw the potential in me. He noticed that I had slave-like tendencies before I ever did. We slowly developed into a 24/7 Master/slave couple over the past four years. We don’t personally use the terms Master/slave. We prefer the terms Sir and girl, but we have a total power exchange Master/slave relationship nonetheless.

Who knew this shy little girl would one day be exhibitionist, a masochist, a slave? The girl who has trouble making small talk and making friends, can suddenly be naked in front of a room full of people. I can be flogged or I can be lit on fire. I find myself. I can accept myself. I feel sexy for the first time in my life.  I learned that is exactly who I am and where I want to be.

We have learned about these power exchange relationships through our kink, leather communities, local MAsT chapters and M/s conferences. As an M/s couple, we take the time to learn, negotiate and discuss our relationship much more than I ever have in a vanilla relationship. Today, we also help teach newer community members.

I have a physical disability so our M/s dynamic looks a little different than others. We have our own rituals and protocols. I am not able to kneel, but I can sit next to him and unlace his boots when he comes home at the end of the day. I still provide daily service and He is head of our household.

Sir and I have given presentations on Disability, Kink and Power Exchange in our local community and we are open to future conversations on disability and other topics related to M/s.

I have held off about talking about kink and power exchange publicly, mostly out of fear of judgement. Interestingly, I have met many other people with disabilities in the kink lifestyle. I have also met people at my vanilla presentations who had questions about kink, so I know I am not the only person with a disability interested in it.

Today I am living my truth and have decided to add my lived experience of kink and power exchange experience to my DISIRability presentations and blogs. I have learned a lot in the last few years and I am sharing my experiences openly in an effort to help others who may be considering a similar path.

My professional background

I am Angela Car, a sexual health educator and advocate for people with disabilities. I am 44 years old and I was born with Spina Bifida. I have a M.A. degree in Criminal Justice and a B.A. degree in Psychology.

In graduate school, I became interested in working with people with disabilities who were either victims of crimes or alleged offenders. I worked as a graduate assistant doing research and I found there was a huge need to support people with disabilities involved in the criminal justice system.

Although there was a huge need, I could not find full time employment specifically in criminal justice and disability. So over the past 15 years I gained experience in a few different areas; from providing substance abuse prevention education for people with disabilities, advocating for access to housing and education, to counseling incarcerated women with mental health issues and addictions.

I became a Pure Romance consultant and received additional training in sex education. I realized that while I am not a great salesperson, I have a passion for educating people. So I no longer sell products. I am grateful for my experience as a Pure Romance consultant because it reminded me of what I am passionate about and gave me confidence to go after my goals.

My focus now is on education, advocacy and sharing my story to help other people. I created #DISIRability to start this important discussion of sexual health and sex positivity for people with disabilities. As people with disabilities, we have the same basic needs as everyone else. We desire intimacy and connection. We are desirable.

I have now been providing sexual health education and sharing my personal story for the past two years at local disability agencies and sexual health forums online and in person. I hope you will take the time to read my blogs. Most of them are about sexual health and disabilities. Others are on different topics I share about my life, such as family relationships and addictions. I look forward to connecting with you.