BatteriesForSex Twitter Chat

Last month I had the pleasure of co-hosting the #BatteriesForSexChat on Twitter. You can join #BatteriesForSexChat on Twitter on the 1st and 15th of every month. In this session, we talked about communication with partners and communication with doctors, as well as medical treatments and surgeries.  Below are the questions we discussed and my personal answers. Feel free to comment/ask questions. Make sure to follow #BatteriesforSexChat on Twitter!

1. What is your personal definition of sex? (For example. Would it include oral, fingering….)

For me it would be touching of any genitals with fingers, mouth, or your genitals. Intimacy can, of course, include much more.

2. How has your disability or illness affected your ability to have sex?

I have had a prolapsed uterus for the past three years which has gotten progressively worse. I also have bladder and bowel problems due to Spina Bifida, so it can be hard have sex. I am sometimes afraid to get naked. My anxiety makes it even worse.

3. What other things can you so do increase intimacy with your partner(s) when you are unable to have sex?

Cuddling, fingering, oral sex. I love even just how he walks up behind me as I am doing the dishes and plays with my hair, or snacks my butt. BDSM play. I can’t do any heavy impact play anymore but I love flogging and fire play.

4. How comfortable are you talking with your partner(s) about your disability or illness? What symptoms in particular are you uncomfortable talking about which affect your sex life?

I used to be really uncomfortable talking about my bladder and bowel problems with partners. Over the years, I have learned to understand and eventually accept this part of my disability and that acceptance has made it easier to talk about.

5. When is the best time to talk to your partner about your symptoms? Online before you meet? First date? Just before sex? Longer?

I tell people right away online that I have Spina Bifida. Some information (specifically bladder and bowel issues) I wait and share before we get intimate. More long term issues such as my declining health, I share more about as a relationship develops with a partner.

6. Are you comfortable talking with your doctors about sex?

I haven’t always been open with doctors (about being Bi, poly, kinky), but I decided I needed to be. It was important for me to get regular STI testing when I was poly. I also tell doctors about BDSM play to make sure I don’t I cause any serious injuries.

7. If a doctor doesn’t answer your questions, what other resources do you have to answer your questions related to your disability and sex?

I go to a different doctor. I talk to my Spina Bifida team. I talk to others adults with disabilities. Facebook groups for adults with disabilities (including your specific disability or illness) are great resources. There is my group SEXUAL HEALTH FOR WOMEN WITH DISABILITIES.

8. What treatments have you considered to improve your condition? Meds? Surgery?

I tried a pessary for the prolapsed uterus, but it didn’t work. I just had a hysterectomy in July and I am looking forward to having PIV sex again, and using toys! Yay! Bladder and Bowel issues are another story. Still trying to find something that works to avoid incontinence.

9. What concerns do you have about different types of treatment?

Medications for my bladder and bowel issues haven’t always worked long term. I also worry about side effects. I have tried probiotics, apple cider vinegar, laxatives, prescription meds. etc. I now get botox injections in my bladder and I am considering a surgery for my bowels.

10. If you have had surgery, how has that impacted your sex life?

I just had a hysterectomy. I am looking forward to having sex again. I may need another surgery for my bowels though. It is hard to be intimate when you are always sick in the stomach, feeling gassy, and unsexy. So I need to find a better solution for my bowels. I am looking into an M.A.C.E procedure.

Hysterectomy and Spina Bifida

I am posting two videos on here about my recent hysterectomy. I hope these will help other folks who have Spina Bifida or who have bladder and bowel issues prepare if they need to have a hysterectomy.

I must warn you the second video may be a ***Medical trigger*** for anyone who has experienced any medical PTSD or medical trauma.

I would love to hear your feedback and your perspective. If you have had a Hysterectomy, what was your experience like?

Getting prepared to have Hysterectomy
Day three after Hysterectomy
***Medical trigger warning***

Urine, Female Ejaculation, or both?

I need to start by stating that I am not a doctor. I am a sexual health educator. I am also a woman with Spina Bifida and neurogenic bladder. I had a lot of questions as I became sexually active. I had no one to ask. I wasn’t comfortable as a young woman asking my family these questions and I wasn’t always comfortable bringing it up to my doctor. One of those questions was “Am I urinating during sex, or is this female ejaculation?”

Every time I would have sex, I thought I was peeing myself. I was extremely embarrassed. My boyfriend (whom I later married) would tell me it was OK, but I still felt embarrassed and I wanted to stop it. I wondered to myself…” Was it due to bladder problems from spina bifida? Was it due to some early sexual trauma?” When I asked my urologist about it, I was just told to go to the bathroom before and after sex. I would do that, but it wouldn’t work. Then on days when I knew I was going to be sexually active, I would avoid drinking anything for most of the day. I would nearly dehydrate myself in hopes of enjoying sex without wetting the bed. It would still happen. My boyfriend told me about female ejaculation, but no doctor had ever mentioned it to me. I wish they had.

Today there are plenty of medical journals that will give you information on female ejaculation. Female ejaculation can also be referred to as “squirting” or “gushing” during or before orgasm. Many women ejaculate from a G-spot orgasm. All women have a G-spot. The G-spot is located a few inches inside the vagina on the front wall (same side as
the belly button). It is different for every woman, but it is in that general area. The best way to locate it is to insert two fingers into the vagina and make a “come hither” motion.

The beautiful thing I have learned is that I am not alone. Squirting during sex wasn’t necessarily due to spina bifida and it wasn’t due to any trauma. Other women who do not have disabilities also experience female ejaculation, particularly when experiencing a G-spot orgasm. Many women start to have a G-spot orgasm and they feel the need to urinate, so they stop having sex. If you have this issue, it is advised to go to the bathroom before you have sex, and then while having sex, if you start to feel the urge to pee, fight the urge to stop. Keep going. Continue having your fun and you may have a G-spot orgasm. Some women have them. Some women do not. G-spot orgasms are often the most intense type of orgasm a woman can have. Many women love them. For other women, these orgasms can be too intense, and they do not like them. Some women enjoy squirting. Some men enjoy being with a woman who squirts. Some women who do not squirt wish that they could, and they try to find a “magical” way to make themselves squirt.

Since I have become a Pure Romance consultant and have talked with other women with spina bifida, it seems that many of them report squirting and/or urinating during sex. So, it is possible that it could be both ejaculate and urine.

I learned through experience that sex for me requires some planning ahead. I need tell a potential partner about squirting before I have sex with them. This avoids any embarrassment during or after sex and avoids any resentments afterwards. By talking with a new partner, I can find out if they are not comfortable with the idea of squirting and we can choose not to engage in sexual activity. It is a difficult topic to bring up with a new partner and figuring out the right moment to bring it up can also be tricky, but it’s important to have the discussion beforehand. I look at it this way… If I am comfortable enough with this person to have sex with them, then I should be comfortable enough to have this hard discussion beforehand. If I don’t have the discussion beforehand, I may be setting myself up for a very negative discussion afterwards. I’ve been there. Done that. It’s not pleasant and it can be harmful for my self-esteem. It’s not something I want to experience again.

I have also learned that spontaneous sex, or sex in spontaneous locations like in a car or on a sofa, is not smart for me. I need to prepare for sex by placing down towels and a mattress protector ahead of time. If I am going to a partner’s home or a hotel, I need to bring those items along with me. I need to go to the bathroom before having sex. Planning just a few small steps prior to sexual activity can eliminate my anxiety, and it allows me to be present in the moment to fully enjoy the sexual experience.

I am not a doctor, so I do not know all the answers. Is it urine, female ejaculation, or both? I still don’t know. I just know that it is my body’s physical response during sexual activity. I have learned to accept it and embrace it. I have learned to plan for it and I have learned to choose partners who are accepting of it. Two years ago, by being open and honest and planning ahead of time, I found a wonderful new partner. He and I have been very happy together ever since. He loves me and is very accepting of all aspects of me, including my sexuality and my disability.

This blog has also been printed in the Mighty here:

To follow my blogs and posts, follow the hashtag #DISirABILITY

My professional background

I am Angela Car, a sexual health educator and advocate for people with disabilities. I am 44 years old and I was born with Spina Bifida. I have a M.A. degree in Criminal Justice and a B.A. degree in Psychology.

In graduate school, I became interested in working with people with disabilities who were either victims of crimes or alleged offenders. I worked as a graduate assistant doing research and I found there was a huge need to support people with disabilities involved in the criminal justice system.

Although there was a huge need, I could not find full time employment specifically in criminal justice and disability. So over the past 15 years I gained experience in a few different areas; from providing substance abuse prevention education for people with disabilities, advocating for access to housing and education, to counseling incarcerated women with mental health issues and addictions.

I became a Pure Romance consultant and received additional training in sex education. I realized that while I am not a great salesperson, I have a passion for educating people. So I no longer sell products. I am grateful for my experience as a Pure Romance consultant because it reminded me of what I am passionate about and gave me confidence to go after my goals.

My focus now is on education, advocacy and sharing my story to help other people. I created #DISIRability to start this important discussion of sexual health and sex positivity for people with disabilities. As people with disabilities, we have the same basic needs as everyone else. We desire intimacy and connection. We are desirable.

I have now been providing sexual health education and sharing my personal story for the past two years at local disability agencies and sexual health forums online and in person. I hope you will take the time to read my blogs. Most of them are about sexual health and disabilities. Others are on different topics I share about my life, such as family relationships and addictions. I look forward to connecting with you.