BatteriesForSex Twitter Chat

Last month I had the pleasure of co-hosting the #BatteriesForSexChat on Twitter. You can join #BatteriesForSexChat on Twitter on the 1st and 15th of every month. In this session, we talked about communication with partners and communication with doctors, as well as medical treatments and surgeries.  Below are the questions we discussed and my personal answers. Feel free to comment/ask questions. Make sure to follow #BatteriesforSexChat on Twitter!

1. What is your personal definition of sex? (For example. Would it include oral, fingering….)

For me it would be touching of any genitals with fingers, mouth, or your genitals. Intimacy can, of course, include much more.

2. How has your disability or illness affected your ability to have sex?

I have had a prolapsed uterus for the past three years which has gotten progressively worse. I also have bladder and bowel problems due to Spina Bifida, so it can be hard have sex. I am sometimes afraid to get naked. My anxiety makes it even worse.

3. What other things can you so do increase intimacy with your partner(s) when you are unable to have sex?

Cuddling, fingering, oral sex. I love even just how he walks up behind me as I am doing the dishes and plays with my hair, or snacks my butt. BDSM play. I can’t do any heavy impact play anymore but I love flogging and fire play.

4. How comfortable are you talking with your partner(s) about your disability or illness? What symptoms in particular are you uncomfortable talking about which affect your sex life?

I used to be really uncomfortable talking about my bladder and bowel problems with partners. Over the years, I have learned to understand and eventually accept this part of my disability and that acceptance has made it easier to talk about.

5. When is the best time to talk to your partner about your symptoms? Online before you meet? First date? Just before sex? Longer?

I tell people right away online that I have Spina Bifida. Some information (specifically bladder and bowel issues) I wait and share before we get intimate. More long term issues such as my declining health, I share more about as a relationship develops with a partner.

6. Are you comfortable talking with your doctors about sex?

I haven’t always been open with doctors (about being Bi, poly, kinky), but I decided I needed to be. It was important for me to get regular STI testing when I was poly. I also tell doctors about BDSM play to make sure I don’t I cause any serious injuries.

7. If a doctor doesn’t answer your questions, what other resources do you have to answer your questions related to your disability and sex?

I go to a different doctor. I talk to my Spina Bifida team. I talk to others adults with disabilities. Facebook groups for adults with disabilities (including your specific disability or illness) are great resources. There is my group SEXUAL HEALTH FOR WOMEN WITH DISABILITIES.

8. What treatments have you considered to improve your condition? Meds? Surgery?

I tried a pessary for the prolapsed uterus, but it didn’t work. I just had a hysterectomy in July and I am looking forward to having PIV sex again, and using toys! Yay! Bladder and Bowel issues are another story. Still trying to find something that works to avoid incontinence.

9. What concerns do you have about different types of treatment?

Medications for my bladder and bowel issues haven’t always worked long term. I also worry about side effects. I have tried probiotics, apple cider vinegar, laxatives, prescription meds. etc. I now get botox injections in my bladder and I am considering a surgery for my bowels.

10. If you have had surgery, how has that impacted your sex life?

I just had a hysterectomy. I am looking forward to having sex again. I may need another surgery for my bowels though. It is hard to be intimate when you are always sick in the stomach, feeling gassy, and unsexy. So I need to find a better solution for my bowels. I am looking into an M.A.C.E procedure.

Building Your Confidence and Sex Appeal

I talked about eliminating negative self-talk in my last blog You are Enough. Stop feeding Your Negative Thoughts. I have developed a negative view of myself. For me, I would describe it as always feeling like a child. I felt like I would never grow up. Part of the reason was due to society, treating me differently. If I were standing next to another adult, a stranger would always talk to them instead of me. Even if the stranger was asking questions about me. The question was directed at my friend/partner. So, I never felt like an adult, let alone a sexual adult. I was always cute and sweet little Angela or Angie. I also learned that I hate being called Angie because it reminded me of being a little girl. So today, I have had to learn the confidence to tell people, “My Name is Angela”.  My husband would tell me I was beautiful and sexy. But how do I get to that feeling myself? How do I really feel that way? I want to feel like a confident and sexy adult; how do I get there?

Here are some tips I have used to help me to find my confidence and sex appeal. I hope some of them resonate with you and help you.

THIRTEEN TIPS (Because Thirteen is a lucky number for me!)

1. Acceptance. This is me. This is my body. (my weight, my disability). This is who I will always be. I am tired of feeling like crap. I knew I had to change something. So, I changed my attitude.

When I was young, my grandmother raised me with the idea that I can do anything I set my mind to. I didn’t let my disability hold me back. I tried everything. I wasn’t worried about what other people thought. I was having fun. I did gymnastics as a kid. I danced. I went to a school dance in a wheelchair after one of my surgeries and I danced in my wheelchair. I attempted to ride a bike and I rode one with training wheels for a while. I couldn’t do it without training wheels, but I made the attempt and I had fun.  Interestingly, my body shame didn’t come until I was a teenager. As an adult I had to relearn that confidence I had as a child.

2. Change your attitude. It’s not your body that is holding you back. It is your thoughts about your body. Talk to yourself the way you would talk to your best friend. Begin by just notice when you are using negative self-talk. Then change your words. Replace the negative words with something positive. Stop being you own worst critic. A really good book on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy which helped me with changing my thoughts was Feeling Good, by David Burns.

3. If you want to feel sexy, start with dressing the part. Don’t wait. Start today. Be confident and be adventurous. If you wish you looked like the hot models on tv, start wearing the dress, the fishnet stockings, etc. If you think tattoos are sexy, get yourself a tattoo. I have a few myself. I have a portrait of my late cat Annabell, right on my thigh. So, when I wear that short skirt, I wear it proudly as I show off that tattoo. I can’t wear high heels because I wear braces on my legs, but you know what I can wear? I can wear fishnet stockings under those braces, and I make it work. I look sexy. (I wouldn’t tell you to try something that I haven’t tried myself). I said to hell with waiting to lose my weight. I started wearing the short skirts, showing off my legs, wearing the sexy bathing suit. I was confident.

Confidence is sexy. No matter what size you are. No matter what type of disability you may have.

4. Make time for self-care. I recognize that self-care can be tied into how much energy you have. If you don’t have the energy to shower or to shave your legs, you’re not going want to wear that sexy dress, right? Make self-care a top priority. You will be glad you did.  

5. Focus on your health rather than the appearance of your body. See a mental health therapist if needed. Start taking better care of yourself. Start a little bit each day. You will start to feel better.

I started focusing on my health. I joined a 12 step support group Overeaters Anonymous (OA) dealing with food addiction and my life changed. I realized that there was more going on with me that just my obsession with food. I started looking at the reasons why I was obsessed with food and dealing with those issues. I knew all the nutrition information to lose weight. What I really needed was to look at my thoughts and emotions . OA helps me do that. I got healthier emotionally and physically.

6.  Surround yourself with positive people. Get rid of the people in your life who are negative, who put you down, who put themselves down. They are emotional vampires.

Here is another book suggestion: Emotional Vampires, Dealing with People who Drain You Dry, Albert Bernstein. This book helped me in dealing with people in my life who were negative and were using me. People I had trouble saying no to or staying away from. It helped me realize why I needed to do so and how to do it.

My husband was a deejay and ran karaoke. I loved to sing. I sang in my school choir as a kid. It took me two years to be able to get up on that stage and sing karaoke. But guess what happened? I fell in love with it and the people who would attend. They accepted me. They lifted me up. I no longer see most of them, but I have meet other friends and have found a chosen family by joining and participating in various social activities.

7. Read and look at body positive images on social media

Check out #aeriereal. They are using models with disabilities in their campaigns. There are women in wheelchairs and women with crutches. There is also a woman who uses an ostomy bag. All these women are beautiful as they are modeling bras and underwear.

There are also burlesque dancers who have disabilities that I follow on social media. One in Canada, One in Australia and one in California. The one in California teaches burlesque to people with disabilities. Her name is Jacqueline Boxx. Google Disability and Burlesque. She is amazing!

8. Stay active. As active as you can be.

I have taken Belly Dancing Classes and I loved that. I would love to form a group and learn Burlesque. I am not saying I would become a performer. But I would love to be able to do it for my partner. And I know people who teach Burlesque, so if you are in the Philadelphia area and want to learn, let me know. I’d love to try it.

There are many sports and activities that can be adapted for people with disabilities. I have taken a Tae Kwon Do class. Now I am doing chair yoga. These things keep me active and keep me around other people being social.

9. Ask yourself if it is your body you are really upset about.

Most times when I really get down on myself about my weight, it is related to something else that is bothering me. So, ask yourself, did you have a fight with your partner, or your mother? Did something bad happen at work? What else is going on that is making you angry or upset.

10. Be grateful for your body for all it does for you.

Maybe you have a disability, but there are things that you are able to do. Be grateful and do the things you can do. Everyone can find things they enjoy doing. One of my biggest hobbies is knitting and crochet. But that doesn’t mean I have to sit alone in the house and crochet by myself. I joined a knit and crochet circle. I sometimes crochet at the coffee shop and I have met people there. I am still getting out and socializing.

11. Stop trying to be perfect. Progress not perfection. No one is perfect.

If you are waiting to do something until you have the perfect body, you are never going to do it. Ever notice that people who don’t feel good about themselves are never happy no matter what size they are. Same is true of the opposite. You can choose to feel good about yourself no matter what size you are. You can choose to feel beautiful and sexy. You can also choose the people you surround yourself with. We can’t change the family we grow up around, but we can certainly choose our friends and the people we are close to as we get older. Surround yourself with those people that encourage you to be the best you.

12. Stop comparing yourself to other people. It keeps you in the negative and ugly mood. Jealousy makes you less attractive. Begin by noticing when you are starting to feel envy or jealousy. Keep a journal. I learn so much about myself by journaling

13. Continue to work these tips. Confidence is like being in training. You must continually tell yourself you can do it. Tell yourself you are beautiful. Our negative brains can mess with us, so we need to remind ourselves. Print out some favorite affirmations and post them up by your mirror where you will see them every day.  

I am not saying you need to try all the things I have done. Find your own things. Find your own people. Find a space and find the people that you feel comfortable with. If you enjoy cooking, join a cooking class. Meetup is a great resource. Get out and meet people. Focus on socializing, finding friends and having fun. Be confident in yourself.

You are enough; Stop feeding your negative thoughts.

This summer, many of us have been enjoying the weather, going on vacations, enjoying the beach or the pool. As Fall is approaching, we can enjoy pumpkin spice and Halloween parties. Year round, there are lots of opportunities for getting out, socializing with friends and making new friends.

What about those of us who deal with body shame? Those of us who are afraid to get into that bathing suit or afraid to go out and mingle, even though we might be feeling lonely and we really want to get out there. We see everyone else’s fun posts on Facebook and we sit with our envy and we think we can’t enjoy those same things.

This summer, I was busy recovering from surgery which meant no pools and no beach, but I made the best of it by socializing with friends and chosen family. I enjoyed reading outside. I chose to write. I chose to call people. I chose to focus on the positive and do as much as I am physically capable of doing. I haven’t always. I used to focus on the negative. I used to tell myself I couldn’t go swimming. I realize there were a lot of summers I spent cooped up on my couch instead of being outside, by my own choice, due to my own negative thoughts about my body, my body shame. So I started this writing.

 In this post, I want to discuss where this body shame comes from and how body shame affects us all as a society and how it affected me personally. I would also love to hear your thoughts in the comments. Where did your body shame come from? How has it impacted your life? What have you done to overcome body shame?

Sometimes negativity about our bodies comes from family. Sometimes negative thoughts are cultural or from society in general. For me growing up, I was told from family members that I had inherited those “Car family thighs” when I was a little girl. I also received a lot of mixed messages around food from my family.  I was being told over and over again, “You need to lose weight” or “Don’t eat so much”, “Try this diet”, “Try that diet”. Then I was told by the same people, “Finish your plate.”or “Hey here’s a piece of cake and some cookies.” In my Italian family, pasta was included in every meal. It was also often implied that it was rude to say “no” when offered more food or dessert.

Another source of body shame, unfortunately, is the society we live in. Society and the media can have a huge influence our own thoughts about our bodies.  Think about what society tells us is sexy. Most of the time we see models or actresses who are young, extremely thin, tall, with huge breasts, perfect skin, long flowing blonde hair. We see these images and we think that these images are the only image of beauty, of sex appeal, etc. We start comparing ourselves to the images that we see in the media. Who can really live up to that? I would dare to say no one.

What effect does this body shame have on us a a nation? In the U.S, we have a growing obsession with getting cosmetic surgery because we feel we aren’t enough. As a society we are paying tons of money now on liposuction, botox treatments for wrinkles, labiaplasty and other cosmetic surgeries. Body shame can also affect any one of any gender. This idea that women should look a certain way or men should look a certain way can create damaging body shame not only for those who are cisgender but also for people who are trans or non-binary.

What effect does body shame have on us individually? It stops us from living. It stops us from doing the things we love and enjoy. It stops us from getting into a bathing suit and hitting the shore in the summertime. It stops us from getting into that fun, sexy Halloween costume in the Fall. It stops us from wearing that sexy outfit for New Years Eve. It affects our interpersonal relationships. It stops us from calling or texting that person we are want to go out with. It stops us from being intimate with our partner(s).

So what do we do to improve our body image so we can enjoy our summer, the fall and the rest of our lives? Here’s something I’d like you to consider that I have learned. It’s not always our imperfections that are keeping us from enjoying life. It is our negative thoughts about our imperfections. This has been my experience.

The two biggest things I had shame over have been my weight and my disability, particularly my feet. When I was young I loved swimming. Swimming is one of the few beneficial exercises I am able to do with my disability. As I got older, I missed many years of swimming, because of my body shame related to my weight and my feet. I didn’t miss out because of the fact that I am overweight and that I have a disability. I was physically capable of swimming but it was my negative thoughts that stopped me from swimming.

We often start with just one small negative thought that we keep repeating to ourselves or even repeating out loud about ourselves to other people. You know the phrases I am talking about here. “I am too fat. I am too skinny. I have too many pimples. I walk funny, etc.” Then we feed this negativity and it grows. The more you entertain negative thoughts, that is, the more you say these negative statements, the more negative your other thoughts become. It is a downward spiral.

I started off in college with this simple belief that I couldn’t wear a bikini until I lost weight. These negative thoughts continued and grew worse over time. Soon, my belief turned into “I can’t get into a one piece bathing suit until I lose all the weight. So for a while, I would wear a tee shirt and shorts in the pool. Then my negative thoughts continued to grow and all of a sudden I was too embarrassed to even get into the pool. The more energy I focused on the negative thought, the more destructive the negative thoughts became.

I also never liked to be seen barefoot. My feet are very small. As a result of Spina Bifida, I cannot move my feet or my toes. One toe sits on top of the other on my right foot. I have had many surgeries on my feet. I never wanted anyone to see my feet. I would keep shoes, my leg braces and socks on at all times without realizing that other people at the pool don’t care about my feet. They are having their own fun. This negative thought grew and eventually affected me when I would have sex with a new partner. I would be comfortable getting naked but I would still be uncomfortable taking off my socks. It wasn’t until a partner pointed out to me, that I realized how silly I actually looked being naked with socks on in bed. Fortunately, I can laugh about that today.

As I am getting older, I can no longer walk barefoot. That is something I wish I would have done more when I was younger. My biggest regrets have not been the things I have tried and failed, but the things I didn’t try and the things I missed out on..The relationships I missed out on… The pool parties I missed out on…. The intimacy I missed out on. Why did I miss out on these things? I missed out on them, not because of my weight or my disability, but because of my body shame and my negative thinking.

Think about when you get older or about when you are no longer here. Do you really want to be remembered for your perfect body or do you want to be remembered for the things you did with your time on earth. When you are older, do you want to have regrets of the things you missed out on because you felt too embarrassed to get out and try? If you are able to get out there and go swimming, go for a walk or roll in your wheelchair outside, go to an event and socialize, then today is the day to do it. Don’t wait for some day because some day may never come. Today is the day to get out there.

Although I have some regrets, I refuse to dwell on them. Today I am enjoying life to the best of my ability. I have learned to love myself. I have learned that I am enough. As I begin to have positive thoughts, the positive thoughts grow. I am wearing sexy dresses. Next summer, I will be in my bathing suit ready to go swimming, no matter what my scale tells me my weight is. I am planning my next tattoo which will be a tattoo of a tea cup with the expression “I am enough.” Instead of feeding my negative thoughts, today I choose to feed positive thoughts, starting with this simple one. I am enough.

Hysterectomy and Spina Bifida

I am posting two videos on here about my recent hysterectomy. I hope these will help other folks who have Spina Bifida or who have bladder and bowel issues prepare if they need to have a hysterectomy.

I must warn you the second video may be a ***Medical trigger*** for anyone who has experienced any medical PTSD or medical trauma.

I would love to hear your feedback and your perspective. If you have had a Hysterectomy, what was your experience like?

Getting prepared to have Hysterectomy
Day three after Hysterectomy
***Medical trigger warning***

“Coming Out” About your Disability or Medical Issues with your Lover

I use the term “coming out” not only in referring to when I came out as bisexual but also when I admit to my sexual partners about my medical issues. Just like I hid the fact that I was bisexual for a long time and even tried to deny it to myself, I also tried to hide some of the more embarrassing parts of my disability. I had the same fears in both situations.

Here’s what I have learned over the years regarding coming out. The more freely I share everything about being me (about being Angela) the more accepting I am of myself. I am me. I am enough and I am worthy of love just the way I am. Hiding who I am and always trying to fit was a hell of a lot of work. There was a lot of embarrassment and shame. Now I know who I am and I own it. And I can finally be happy being completely me. So much so that I am comfortable sharing it with all of you.

It took a long time to get to this point. When I was young, I wanted to fit in. I wanted to be like everyone else. I hadn’t come to terms with my disability. I have Spina Bifida which you may hear described as “split spine”. It is a birth defect affecting the area around the spinal cord. The obvious part of my disability is my mobility issues. I have always walked with braces on my legs. I now either walk with crutches or use a mobility scooter. Most people only know about this part of my disability. The part of my disability that I keep hidden is that I have bladder and bowel issues. When I was growing up in school, I would have accidents and I was often the victim of bullying. I often wear either a pad or a diaper depending on the day.

When is the right time to tell your partner about any embarrassing medical issues? Unfortunately, there isn’t a clear cut and dry answer to this question but I hope I can give you some ideas and examples from my experiences to help you in making these decisions.

I believe that how soon and how much you disclose about your health issues really depends on the nature of your relationship. You would share more as your relationship progresses over time and as you build trust with your partner. A casual sex partner may not need to know as much about your medical issues as a long-term love interest. But a casual partner does need to know certain things that are going to impact your sexual experience.

Tip Number One. Safety First. The number one factor you need to consider in how soon to “come out” about your disability or medical issues is safety.

Let’s talk about casual sex partners first. Before I go further, yes, people with disabilities can and do enjoy sex, and yes, we can have casual sex partners just like anyone else. There is nothing wrong with that. I only recommend that you do it safely. If you have a casual sex partner, they may not need to know every detail about your medical issues. However, they will need to know any issues that are going to affect your good time when you get naked with them, or issues that may affect themselves later on.

 Ethically, you should tell a casual partner if you have any STIs (sexually transmitted diseases) before getting intimate so they can make an informed decision if they want to have sex with you and what precautions need to be taken. If you have any pain when you have sex, that is something that is important for a casual sex partner to know. For example, if you are having (PIV) Penis in Vagina sex and you are experiencing pain, tell your partner. Don’t try to wish it away. Don’t get started and think “well he is enjoying it so I won’t say anything.” That sexual experience you are sharing should be enjoyable or both of you, not just one of you. Plus there are a number of other sexual positions you could try, such as doggie style, where he enters the vagina from behind you, that might be more comfortable… And there are other sexual acts that the two of you could enjoy more. Kissing, cuddling, mutual masturbation, oral sex, some people even enjoy kinky sex.

If you are interested in kink (spanking or flogging) but you have certain areas of the body where you are numb, have less sensation, have scars or other sensitive areas, you need to tell your partner to avoid those areas. Communication in Kink is extremely important. That is a topic for another day.  

There may be other medical concerns that could present a safety issue. For example, if you have a seizure disorder, you want to let your partner know that it is possible you could have a seizure. Telling them about it, and what they can do in case you have a seizure is important. Because you never know when that might happen.

Tip Number Two: Know your body! Masturbate! Before you have sex with a partner, you should be having sex with yourself. Masturbation is not a dirty word. This may also be a topic for another day, but for now, all I want to say is when you masturbate, you learn what feels good, and what doesn’t. You may learn about some areas on your body that have little or no feeling. You want to know this before you have sex with a partner so that you can avoid any possible injury.

Tip Number Three: Avoid surprises to avoid anger/resentment.  If you know something happens to your body during sex, admit to it beforehand. My example is squirting or female ejaculation. Female ejaculation is often in response to a g-spot orgasm and it does come from the urethra (just like urine).  If you know that you are a squirter when you have sex, tell a potential partner about it before doing the deed. Some people enjoy being with a woman who squirts, other people do not. I have written another blog here about female ejaculation.

If you are a squirter, you might feel uncomfortable bringing this up to a partner before having sex but it is very important. It might be hard to figure out the exact moment to bring it up. It’s not exactly dinner conversation, but maybe you can bring it up when you get invited back to your partner’s house after dinner. It’s worth it to talk about it so they can make an informed decision if they want to have sex with you and to avoid an angry outburst or any more embarrassment after the deed is done. I have had wonderful experiences where I told a partner about squirting before we had sex and they were excited to be with a squirter…And we went on to have amazing sex rather than, if I hadn’t told them, I would be preoccupied with worry and anxious thoughts such as  “I hope it doesn’t happen, or maybe I should try to not have an orgasm, or will this person hate me afterwards?.”

Tip Four:  Build trust slowly

When you first meet someone, you are trying to put your best foot forward because you want to impress them. You want them to see you at your best. You wear your nicest clothes, makeup, and your sexy lingerie. Over time, what slowly starts to happen? You get comfortable. You start meeting up in tee-shirts and jeans. You forget about the makeup. You slowly start acting more like your everyday self. You start letting them see the real you. As you are building a relationship with someone, you get to know them more and more.

This is where you can start telling them more about your disability or your medical issues. You can start by telling your partners personal things gradually and see how they handle it. Are they respectful of you and your disability? Do they keep your health information private or are they bragging to their friends or others? Do they ask appropriate questions and offer ways to help? Do they encourage you to be independent? These are questions to ask yourself in this relationship to test the waters a bit and see if this partner is a good match for you. Depending on your health, you may have the option to do this slowly or you may have to tell your partner very quickly about issues. Let’s say you are on a first or second date, and you start feeling sick in the stomach, well then, it’s time to tell your partner, “this is a part of my disability”. I am going to talk more about my own personal experience with that later on in this post.

Tip Five: Communication is key in a long term relationship. That includes a discussion about all your medical issues.

In my honest opinion, your long-term partner(s) need to know everything. It is important to them and it is important for you.  I’ll give you two examples of the two longest relationships I have had and how I handled coming out about medical issues.

My first boyfriend (who I later married), knew like everyone else that I had Spina Bifida and I walked differently. He knew a little bit about my bladder and bowel issues. He knew that I would often cancel dates if I had an upset stomach. He knew I went to the bathroom more frequently than other people. He was the first person I had sex with. He was very understanding of my disability and gave me no reason not to trust him and even in that relationship, there were still things I kept hidden for too long. He didn’t know for a long time that I wore diapers. I didn’t tell him until the day we were moving into our new apartment together, that I self- cath (use a catheter) in order to urinate. That’s something I have done that all of my life but I never thought to let him in on that. He was accepting of it. The problem was that I wasn’t. I was the one who had the issue with it. He and I were in a long-term loving relationship, and we were building our lives together but I still kept these things from him. He wasn’t upset about the medical issues. He was upset that I hadn’t confided in him sooner. He felt like I didn’t trust him and he was absolutely right. Being dishonest and keeping information from him was my shortcoming, due to how much shame I was carrying. The shame only grew worse as time went on until I became honest.

TIP Six: If your medical issues are severe enough, you may have to tell your partner before you are emotional ready to. Take a leap of faith and do it anyway.

Now I am a widow. I have been in a new relationship for the past three years with my boyfriend. I came out to him about my medical issues much quicker than I did with my first boyfriend. He learned all about Spina Bifida pretty quickly. This was honestly, mostly because I felt I had to as my health was declining. I remember dealing with gas pains on our second date. We are sitting on the couch cuddling and here I am farting. When you have Spina Bifida, there’s no holding it in, or waiting to get to the bathroom, it just happens. So much for the romance. This guy was pretty awesome about it though. He actually just made a joke about it. We now both deal with a lot of health issues by using humor. He said “Oh good, we got the first fart out of the way. Now I don’t have to worry about it.”

 I really do believe you can cry about your embarrassing medical issue or you can laugh about it. I choose to accept it and laugh about it. Again, I was very lucky that my guy was supportive of me and understanding of my disability. Since we have been together, I have had more changes in my health, more problems with mobility, more problems with my bladder and bowels and more times that I’d like to admit where these issues interrupted me having a sex life. I sometimes would worry that he didn’t sign up for all these problems when he started dating me. However, being with him, I realize that he loves me and he takes really good care of me. He is in this for the long haul. Again, we use humor as a coping strategy. We talk about poop in our house a lot for a middle aged couple.  When we make jokes about it, it somehow makes it seem lighter and takes a lot of the stress off me.  

Tip Seven: Be authentic. Be true to who you are. Don’t wait.

My best advice is to be authentic in every aspect of your life. I am 43 years old and I am still working to be my authentic true self.  There were so many masks that I wore in the past. I was this version of Angela when I was around my family. That version of Angela around my friends. This version of Angela at work. Wearing these masks and keeping these secrets took a lot of energy to keep up.

When I was dating other women, I came out as bisexual to a few close friends. I still hadn’t come out to my family. My family dynamics are very complicated but that is no excuse. My family members were even introduced to the women I was dating, but I would just introduce them as “friends” of mine. 

 Now that I have been in a long term relationship with my boyfriend, I decided it was time to come out to my family about my sexuality because I realized that my sexuality isn’t about the gender of the partner I am with. It is about who I am. I will always be bisexual whether I am in a relationship with a man or a woman. I think I always felt ashamed of myself for not coming out. I felt like it was taking the easy way out because the two long term relationships I had were with men. When I finally did come out with family, I found out that my they had suspected it all along. We think we are doing a good job of hiding our authentic self from those close to us. Most of the time, they see right through it. They may even see it before we admit it to ourselves.

It took me a long time to bring it all together and just be Angela. No matter who I am with. No matter where I am at. I am me. I have learned to accept myself. If I present all my vulnerabilities and other people do not like it, that’s okay too. There is a great saying I learned from a 12 step program. I attend “What other people think of me is none of my business.” I try to live my life by that today. My husband taught me that as well. That is how he lived his life. Like me or hate me. This is who I am. The interesting thing is once I was able to do that, I was able to love myself and care for myself. Then I was able to find myself a new partner who accepts and loves me.

That is what I want for all of you reading this. Whether you are casual dating, or you just want really great sex, or you are single or in a long term relationship(s). Find what makes you happy. Be honest with yourself and honest with others about who you are. Don’t let your fear and your shame take over.  Find the people that are going to love you no matter what. If your past relationships have failed, keep moving forward. Be true to yourself . Accept yourself and love yourself.

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Addiction is hell. No matter the substance

Editing Note 2019: I wrote this piece when I was active in my addiction. In reviewing step one, I need to “keep it green” by remembering where I was in my relapse just over a year ago. I apologize for the language in advance, it is ugly, but it is honest. I am grateful I am no longer in this dark place. Today I have found freedom in working the steps. Just for today!

Being in my addiction is hell.

I get frustrated and my mind tells me I need it.

I am happy and want to use it to celebrate.

I don’t want to feel anything so I use it to numb myself.

I don’t want to freak out, so I pick up instead. It calms me down.

I am afraid to stop because I will miss it.

It is my friend or so it fools me into thinking it is. It is what I have always used to cope with life.

I focus on the differences between my addiction and others. I tell myself I won’t kill anyone in my addiction. I can drive without my judgement being impaired. So I tell myself I am ok. I tell myself my addiction is not as serious as others…that I can handle it. Just one more and I will stop tomorrow.

It is all a lie. I am no better than anyone. Tomorrow keeps getting pushed back and it never comes.

I know I will kill myself one day if I stay in my addiction. This addiction is already slowly killing me one day at a time.

It starts by killing my spirit, leaving me in depression, leaving me sneaking around and lying to those I love. It leads me to spending money and ending up in financial ruin. It leads me to anger and resentment when well-meaning friends ask me about it. It leads me to thoughts of suicide.

It kills my motivation. It leaves me too tired to care for myself or to care for my house. It takes too much energy to take a shower and to get dressed. It leaves me denying the reality that soon I may not be able to get dressed independently. It leaves me living in a mess…dirty clothes on the floor and dishes in the sink. It leaves me feeling apathetic.

It increases my health problems and adds on more. Sleep apnea. Weight gain. Back pain. Inability to exercise or even to walk some days. Feeling tired every day from doing nothing. I lose my ability to dance. I will soon lose my ability to walk. Yet the denial creeps back in telling me that I am just fine. Other addicts know what F.I.N.E. stands for. Fucked up, insecure, neurotic and emotional.

Addiction sucks no matter the substance. If I am not working on my recovery, then I am sliding back into my addiction. Your substance may be heroin, alcohol, sex, gambling. My substance is food. It may sound funny but it is no joke. I need to fight it before it kills me.

I have been battling this disease for years with the help of my support groups and my therapist. I can never forget where I started. I need to remember the hell rather than slip back into denial. The best way to do that is to share it. I am a fighter and I am in the fight of my life.

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Urine, Female Ejaculation, or both?

I need to start by stating that I am not a doctor. I am a sexual health educator. I am also a woman with Spina Bifida and neurogenic bladder. I had a lot of questions as I became sexually active. I had no one to ask. I wasn’t comfortable as a young woman asking my family these questions and I wasn’t always comfortable bringing it up to my doctor. One of those questions was “Am I urinating during sex, or is this female ejaculation?”

Every time I would have sex, I thought I was peeing myself. I was extremely embarrassed. My boyfriend (whom I later married) would tell me it was OK, but I still felt embarrassed and I wanted to stop it. I wondered to myself…” Was it due to bladder problems from spina bifida? Was it due to some early sexual trauma?” When I asked my urologist about it, I was just told to go to the bathroom before and after sex. I would do that, but it wouldn’t work. Then on days when I knew I was going to be sexually active, I would avoid drinking anything for most of the day. I would nearly dehydrate myself in hopes of enjoying sex without wetting the bed. It would still happen. My boyfriend told me about female ejaculation, but no doctor had ever mentioned it to me. I wish they had.

Today there are plenty of medical journals that will give you information on female ejaculation. Female ejaculation can also be referred to as “squirting” or “gushing” during or before orgasm. Many women ejaculate from a G-spot orgasm. All women have a G-spot. The G-spot is located a few inches inside the vagina on the front wall (same side as
the belly button). It is different for every woman, but it is in that general area. The best way to locate it is to insert two fingers into the vagina and make a “come hither” motion.

The beautiful thing I have learned is that I am not alone. Squirting during sex wasn’t necessarily due to spina bifida and it wasn’t due to any trauma. Other women who do not have disabilities also experience female ejaculation, particularly when experiencing a G-spot orgasm. Many women start to have a G-spot orgasm and they feel the need to urinate, so they stop having sex. If you have this issue, it is advised to go to the bathroom before you have sex, and then while having sex, if you start to feel the urge to pee, fight the urge to stop. Keep going. Continue having your fun and you may have a G-spot orgasm. Some women have them. Some women do not. G-spot orgasms are often the most intense type of orgasm a woman can have. Many women love them. For other women, these orgasms can be too intense, and they do not like them. Some women enjoy squirting. Some men enjoy being with a woman who squirts. Some women who do not squirt wish that they could, and they try to find a “magical” way to make themselves squirt.

Since I have become a Pure Romance consultant and have talked with other women with spina bifida, it seems that many of them report squirting and/or urinating during sex. So, it is possible that it could be both ejaculate and urine.

I learned through experience that sex for me requires some planning ahead. I need tell a potential partner about squirting before I have sex with them. This avoids any embarrassment during or after sex and avoids any resentments afterwards. By talking with a new partner, I can find out if they are not comfortable with the idea of squirting and we can choose not to engage in sexual activity. It is a difficult topic to bring up with a new partner and figuring out the right moment to bring it up can also be tricky, but it’s important to have the discussion beforehand. I look at it this way… If I am comfortable enough with this person to have sex with them, then I should be comfortable enough to have this hard discussion beforehand. If I don’t have the discussion beforehand, I may be setting myself up for a very negative discussion afterwards. I’ve been there. Done that. It’s not pleasant and it can be harmful for my self-esteem. It’s not something I want to experience again.

I have also learned that spontaneous sex, or sex in spontaneous locations like in a car or on a sofa, is not smart for me. I need to prepare for sex by placing down towels and a mattress protector ahead of time. If I am going to a partner’s home or a hotel, I need to bring those items along with me. I need to go to the bathroom before having sex. Planning just a few small steps prior to sexual activity can eliminate my anxiety, and it allows me to be present in the moment to fully enjoy the sexual experience.

I am not a doctor, so I do not know all the answers. Is it urine, female ejaculation, or both? I still don’t know. I just know that it is my body’s physical response during sexual activity. I have learned to accept it and embrace it. I have learned to plan for it and I have learned to choose partners who are accepting of it. Two years ago, by being open and honest and planning ahead of time, I found a wonderful new partner. He and I have been very happy together ever since. He loves me and is very accepting of all aspects of me, including my sexuality and my disability.

This blog has also been printed in the Mighty here:

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Your morals and ethics

My boyfriend and I go to monthly discussion groups dealing with healthy relationships. We started attending when we first started dating and we continue to go as we agree it helps strengthen our communication and our relationship.
One topic that stood out to me was morals and ethics. We discussed how being aware of your own morals can help you in distinguishing the morals of your friends/partner(s) and can help you to figure out if you ‘click’ with them. I’ve thought about morals and ethics in my work life but I hadn’t given much thought to morals and ethics in my personal relationships.

After the meeting, I decided I wanted to be more clear about my own morals, how I conduct myself and what I look for in a partner. I figured out that the following things are important to me.

1. Be honest.
2. Don’t gossip about others in person or online. Don’t air your dirty laundry.
3. No drugs. Even too much alcohol use is a huge turnoff to me.
5. Be open-minded and willing to discuss things. Be willing to see the gray, not just black and white.
6. Be kind to animals.
7. Be kind to people who are less fortunate than you. Help others.
8. Respect your elders.
9. Refrain from excessive cursing. If you can’t get your point across without using the F word every other word, I lose interest.
10. Don’t judge a book by its cover.
11. Have a strong work ethic. Be passionate about your work, no matter what type of work you do.
12. Be grateful for what you have. Jealousy and envy are another huge turn off.
13. Keep a positive attitude. Your thoughts influence your behavior. I do not want to be drawn into negativity.

This is just my personal list. Having this list lead to discussion with my boyfriend and fortunately, he was in agreement with me. It is important when you get into a relationship, to know your values and what values you are looking for in a partner.

We both came up with our own lists when we first started dating and we have been simpatico for the past two and a half years. I am happy to report that by finding someone who has the same values as I do, I found someone that I rarely have disagreements with. When we do disagree, we discuss it and are we able to come to a compromise in a healthy way.

Oftentimes, I hear of people with disabilities (and some people without disabilities) wanting so desperately to just find a partner that they settle for relationships with people who may not be a good fit, just for the sake of being in a relationship. They come to realize later that it just isn’t worth it. It is important to take some time and get to know yourself and your own morals and ethics so that you can find the right partner(s). Take the time now to come up with your own list. It may save a lot of heartache later.

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